Toxic Positivity
Toxic Positivity: Why Forcing a Smile Can Do More Harm Than Good
In today’s culture of motivational quotes, social media highlight reels, and self-help slogans, there’s an often-unseen threat lurking beneath the surface of well-meaning advice: toxic positivity. While optimism and a positive mindset can be powerful tools for navigating life’s challenges, they become harmful when they suppress authentic emotion and ignore real struggles.
This blog post dives deep into toxic positivity—what it is, why it’s dangerous, how it affects relationships, and how to break free from the pressure to always “look on the bright side.”
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how painful or difficult a situation is, one must maintain a positive attitude. It’s the insistence on seeing the glass as half full, even when it’s clearly empty. Phrases like “just stay positive,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “good vibes only” are often touted as encouragement, but they can unintentionally shut down important emotional experiences.
Unlike healthy optimism, toxic positivity dismisses discomfort and invalidates the full range of human emotion. It suggests that sadness, anger, frustration, or grief are unacceptable and must be quickly transformed into something cheerful.
Why Toxic Positivity Is Harmful
On the surface, it may seem harmless to encourage someone to “look on the bright side.” However, when positivity becomes a mandate rather than a mindset, it causes significant emotional and relational harm. Let’s look at how toxic positivity impacts you on an individual and relational level:
1. Suppresses Authentic Emotions
Humans are designed to experience a wide range of emotions. Each one—joy, sorrow, anger, fear, and even despair—has a purpose. When we force ourselves or others to remain positive in the face of pain, we deny ourselves the ability to process and learn from those emotions.
2. Creates Shame Around Struggling
Toxic positivity implies that if you’re not happy or grateful, something is wrong with you. This breeds shame, guilt, and self-doubt. People start to question their emotional responses, wondering why they “can’t just be happy,” which only deepens their distress.
3. Invalidates Genuine Experiences
When someone shares a struggle and is met with an overly positive response, it can feel dismissive. Phrases like “you’ll be fine,” or “at least it’s not worse” may come from good intentions but often shut down vulnerability and connection.
4. Blocks True Connection
Real relationships are built on trust, honesty, and mutual understanding. If you only share your victories and smiles, and ignore your challenges, the connection becomes shallow. Toxic positivity makes it difficult for others to relate to you or feel safe sharing their own struggles.
The Problem with “Fake It Until You Make It”
The popular phrase “fake it until you make it” suggests that by pretending to feel confident, happy, or in control, you’ll eventually embody those feelings. While this can be useful in short bursts—like giving a speech or starting a new job, it becomes damaging when it becomes a long-term strategy for managing emotions.
Pretending to be okay when you're not:
Delays healing and emotional processing
Reinforces the belief that certain feelings are unacceptable
Prevents others from offering support or empathy
Authenticity is far more powerful than forced positivity. It takes courage to say, “I’m not okay right now,” but that vulnerability creates room for growth, healing, and support.
Don’t Dismiss or Invalidate Negative Emotions
Negative emotions are not bad, they’re natural. Anger can signal a boundary has been crossed. Sadness may alert us to loss or disconnection. Anxiety might be preparing us for a challenge. When we honor these emotions, we gain insight into what matters to us.
How to Honor Negative Emotions:
Name the feeling. Simply labeling an emotion (“I feel sad,” “I’m overwhelmed”) helps bring clarity.
Validate the experience. Tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this way.”
Hold space without fixing. Sometimes the best approach is to sit with your feelings instead of rushing to change them.
How Toxic Positivity Damages Relationships
When toxic positivity shows up in our relationships, it can create emotional distance and a lack of trust. People may stop sharing their true feelings if they anticipate being met with judgment or platitudes.
Examples of Relationship Damage:
A friend shares they’re going through a breakup, and you reply, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone better.”
Your partner says they’re feeling anxious, and you say, “Just relax and think happy thoughts.”
A child says they’re scared or upset, and you reply, “You’re fine, stop crying.”
In each of these examples, the listener invalidates the speaker’s emotional reality. Over time, this can lead to isolation, resentment, and emotional suppression.
Instead, try this:
“That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.”
“It’s okay to feel that way.”
“Thank you for trusting me with that.”
Be Real with Yourself and Others
We don’t have to choose between positivity and negativity. The most emotionally healthy approach is emotional honesty, the willingness to experience and express the full spectrum of emotions.
Ways to Practice Emotional Honesty:
Check in with yourself regularly. Ask: “How am I really feeling today?”
Give yourself permission to feel deeply without judgment.
Choose trusted people to share your feelings with and encourage them to do the same.
Use expressive outlets—like journaling, art, or therapy—to process emotions.
When we allow ourselves and others to be real, we build resilience, foster authentic connection, and promote psychological safety.
Setting Healthy Boundaries with Toxic Positivity
Sometimes the pressure to “just be positive” comes from others—friends, family, colleagues, or online communities. If someone repeatedly invalidates your feelings with toxic positivity, it’s important to set clear boundaries.
How to Set Boundaries:
“I appreciate your support, but I really just need to vent right now.”
“It’s okay for me to feel what I’m feeling. I don’t need to rush through it.”
“Positive thinking isn’t helping me right now. Can we just sit with this for a moment?”
Boundaries protect your emotional health and teach others how to engage with you more compassionately.
Practicing Self-Care Without Toxic Positivity
True self-care is not about bubble baths and pretending everything is fine. It’s about meeting your needs with awareness, acceptance, and compassion.
Real Self-Care Looks Like:
Resting when you’re tired
Saying no when you’re overwhelmed
Crying when you need to release emotion
Taking breaks from people or environments that pressure you to mask your feelings
Seeking therapy, support groups, or coaching to navigate emotional challenges
Self-care is an act of radical self-love. It requires listening to yourself, honoring your truth, and meeting yourself with kindness in every season.
Final Thoughts
Toxic positivity may be wrapped in glitter and good intentions, but it ultimately tells us one damaging message: that we must hide our pain to be accepted, loved, or valued.
But the truth is this: Your full emotional experience is valid. You don’t have to be okay all the time. You are allowed to be human.
By challenging toxic positivity, we open the door to authentic living, deeper relationships, and greater emotional freedom. We don’t need to fake it until we make it. We can feel it until we heal it.
So, the next time someone says, “Just be positive,” you have permission to respond: “I’m choosing to be real instead.”
